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02 October 2008 @ 08:21 pm
Things I miss.  

There was a copy of a mix CD I did for a story involving this character in the car and I've been listening to it as I drive to and from work. There were a few more stories involving this character and this game that I never got around to writing in their entirety and they've been rattling around in my head during my free time, even defining themselves a bit better lately.

I think I wrote much better five years ago. The latest updates in this journal occur just before I started getting into the writing major in earnest... in the process, my total written output dropped like a rock, as did my enthusiasm. I wrote a character in a story in my first major-based class who was a lot like myself and the piece was ripped apart in workshop for being an unrealistic characterization, and things were sketchy from there for a while. In retrospect, I really wasn't mature enough for the kind of writing I think most of the profs were looking for. I mean, it took me till late 2005 to drop my first f-bomb and my very first relationship came after college was over. I was about as edgy as a Nerf ball and about as dark as Raffi, and I still am, for the most part. Some of my best writing grades came from stories that really didn't fit me at all. I guess that was an exercise in imagination, but it all felt very awkward.

Stories are bouncing around in my head again. I've been slowly trying to build new stories but the same archetypes always appear -- while this is not necessarily a bad thing, it lays bare the reasons I write and I'm often afraid of dragging in other people's characters from old RPGs with the thin veneer of a name and physical description change. There's a character who was somewhere between Piper and a vision I'd had for a certain RoboYellow, but has changed a little, which is nice; however, she doesn't resonate quite as much as Piper does, and a character she inspired really seems to be intriguing me more lately. So I guess that universe is maturing on its own, although I still need to sit down and write. There's another character in another universe who is very similar to Bianca (of the Pokemon game). That world may be beginning to morph itself a bit.

But you know what? At the heart of it, I still really want to write in Piper and Bianca's worlds and share those worlds with people who also understand them, maybe miss them like I do. I really, really miss the people who used to play. There are so many of them where I never even got to know anything about them at all, and they touched my life in such a deceptively big way. So much of the Saiyajins Unite crew... I still do try to keep up on the folks I have friended who update, and it means a lot to me to be able to do so, but there were also some folks who seemed really cool and I never knew anything beyond "whoever is playing XYZ". I hope everyone's well and happy, wherever they are.

The whole IRC crew. I think I heard Ryo's real first name once? And who knows about Sailor? I do wonder what you're all up to. I tried hopping into #alt during the day a few weeks ago just before training started and everyone there was idling 'cause they were at work. ;) I had Sodders friended on LJ forever and I don't think he ever realized who I was even though I gave him that nickname gosh darnit. I wonder what a certain proprietor of TJB thinks about the coming election and what kind of music he's listening to lately.

In r/l, I do miss the big group of us that used to hang around in Pittsburgh. It seems like every time big decisions have to be made surrounding a certain convention, the group dynamic changes drastically. I would, sadly, argue that the relative peace we had during the year of IV was bound to be short-lived, because the thing about IV was that for the first time, we didn't really have to change a lot of things. The group consciousness was rather in sync for about a year and it was really something... looking back, I don't think many of us realize what a short period of time it was that we weren't playing tug-of-war. But it's nice to think back on that time, and it's also nice to remember a lot of the times even after the friction started again.

Thinking back, part of me wishes I'd kept a diary in high school. The piper_g LJ actually started out as an attempt at a personal journal my senior year, but the one post I made in it was whining about the sucky parts of being an amusement park ride operator. Anyway, the reason is that I kind of wish I knew or could remember more about that time is that lately folks have told me that I've changed a lot, but I don't really feel all that different. In fact, I think I'm getting back to some things that captivated me in high school -- the project in Braddock with AmeriCorps reminds me a lot of being in Key Club and helping with Hilton Habitat with Brian and Kelly and Kat and everyone, and going to the convention that one year. I feel like my priorities have largely shifted back to what they were around that time.

Of course, I have all the stories I wrote, and that'll tell me a lot about myself, too. Reading the Piper stuff, I see a lot of my current self. In some ways I'm a bit more MATURE than I was and in others I'm not, and I think that's a good thing. There are some places where maybe today I'd be more articulate than I was, and other places where I think to myself, "Wow, I really want to go back to thinking like I did here." I had a lot more time to think back then, but I also didn't do anywhere near as much stuff. I've yet to find my balance and while I think life may be a bit too demanding for the time being, I also think I'm handling it okay for now.

When I sit down to write like this, the time just flies by. I have a bunch of other thoughts that could really be another super-introspective boringtastic LJ entry all by themselves.

The important part?

All of you out there... whether we know each other's real names or not, whether we were ever really friends or not, whether we know each other offline or not, whether we last spoke on good terms or not... I still do care, and I'm thinking of you. Everyone from BBHHS. Everyone from IRC. Everyone from Saiyajins Unite and everyone involved in Tekko.

The memories we created together -- they're really great, aren't they? Even today, they're such a big part of me. Thank you. Maybe someday soon we'll talk again, see each other, find each other some way. Maybe you'll be in Pittsburgh and I'll be wherever you are and we can go get coffee (I still don't drink it, but you get the idea) and catch up or talk about the things we did or the world we created.

I had a rough afternoon today -- I noticed I was running a temperature around lunch, the kids were a challenge, I had a project to do that I was really trying to avoid -- and I got to a point where I was really bitter and frustrated. I looked at what I wrote yesterday and thought, "Where did that person go?" Remembering things and thinking about all of you really cheered me up, and I can't thank you enough, because even simple things you did long ago are still touching me now. I wish I knew a way to reach you all and let you know.

I love and miss you all.
Current Mood: gratefulgrateful
輪廻眼 - Degenerate Mammal Punk: domonewsrinnegan on October 3rd, 2008 05:09 am (UTC)
Ryo sucks dicks in hell.

And by hell I mean Norway.

And by sucks dicks I mean he moved to Norway and is chillin Norwegian style. :D

His LJ name is sheerdark if you wanted to look him up. He doesn't post there too often, but is still a cool cat.

The few of us that still frequent #alt occasionally rise from our ElderGod slumber to shake our fists in the air and curse about young people being on our lawns and all that. Generally it happens between 9pm-12am ET. (hint) If you happen to show up and get sexually assaulted by Rap, well, she does that.

Hope you are doing well, had fun with you at Ohayocon, even though that con sucks now. We actually have a Detroit con, it is pretty choice. It's in its 4th year now and steadily gaining. If you ever wanted to go, you've totally got crash space. :)
lannaspartaflag on October 4th, 2008 03:38 am (UTC)
Thank you, Pikhay-la. This really spoke to me tonight for a lot of different reasons. :)
brentc07 on November 16th, 2008 08:43 am (UTC)
A certain proprietor responds..
Hi there,

Wow. I can't believe it's been over a month since you posted this and I missed it. I've tried to keep up with how you're doing through this LJ, but I guess I haven't checked it as often as I thought. For some reason, I could never bring myself to post a reply to one of your previous entries, even just a quick "Hi", so thanks for breaking the ice. :)

I could totally relate with the message of this post. I've had a difficult couple of years and you and others have been on my mind a lot as I thought about times when things seemed so much simpler and nights were spent idling away, solving the world's problems or just being silly in one of our chat rooms.

It sounds like your life is going incredibly well and I am so proud of and happy for you. I hope LJ alerts you to my reply and if you have the time, I'd love for you to e-mail me(I'm still brentc07@yahoo.com) so that we can catch up some more. :)